Today is the last day of March and, sadly, the third installment in Kenessa’s journey is still a work in progress. I know, I know. In February I said it would be here, but it’s nowhere to be found. Normally when I say I’m going to do something, I do it. Especially if what I’m doing affects other people. So I’m a little bummed I didn’t follow through. Mostly because I had a goal and I didn’t reach it.

The irrational, perfectionist me feels like I failed, but the rational, wiser me knows I didn’t. You deserve an edited, finished product and that’s what you’ll get. When? Soon. I’m not making any promises. Not this time.

What I will do is explain the madness I faced in March that stopped me in my tracks. As you know, ever since I decided to pursue my dreams, I’ve been rushing. Rushing to catch up because I feel like I need to make up for lost time. Rushing because I feel like I would lose my inspiration and ideas if I didn’t get it on paper fast enough. Rushing because I’m trying to get through one of the hardest seasons in my life. Basically, spinning my wheels and burning myself out.

I chilled out (or at least I thought I did) once I realized what I was doing. I decided to take my time figuring out my writing process. Things were going well on the writing front until I added stuff to my schedule and tried to go at a pace that wasn’t meant for me.

Earlier this month I continued revising Kenessa, juggling writing along with personal obligations. I was already feeling a bit anxious as a result of everything else going on in my life. I hoped focusing on my WIP would help and I could get it down.

Unfortunately, my brain wouldn’t work. Whenever I sat down to write, it took forever to find my groove. Maybe it was because I wasn’t writing on a daily basis. Or maybe I couldn’t focus on my characters because I needed to focus on something (or someone) else.

After juggling Kenessa, the endless search for a full-time job, working a part-time job, going to church and Bible study, trying to improve on my relationships – basically, adulting -, I called it quits. Clearly, I was going it all wrong.

Even though I tried to hone in on one thing at a time, I couldn’t shake this restless feeling I’d been having for the past few months. Finally, it hit me. The pace l had set for myself didn’t fit my personality or lifestyle. No matter what I accomplish, there’s no rushing the process.

Personally, this is one of the hardest seasons in my life right now. A couple of years ago I lost my job. A year after that I lost my home. Trying to get back on my feet has been one of the most challenging and frustrating things I’ve ever had to endure. Top it off, I’ve been changing behaviors and attitudes that have been a hindrance.

Well, be careful what you pray for. When you ask God to heal you, renew you, and prepare you for His plans for your life, He’s going to follow through. Period. He will tear down every wall you’ve built; remove every toxic person you thought you needed in your life; force you to confront the stuff you’ve hidden all these years; press on you to forgive those who’ve wronged you just as He’s forgiven you. He breaks you apart, then begins putting you back together.

My old self wars with the new, fighting to stay relevant. It’s exhausting. And because God is God, He keeps transforming me at His own pace. Accelerating through a time when I need to be still only hurts my progress. It also keeps me in this season even longer.

About two weeks ago I put my story on hold. I also stepped down from a project before it got started. No matter how much I love writing and want to explore my creativity, my personal obligations come first. My rational, wiser self will be still. I will go at my own rhythm and embrace the in-between phase I’m in.