Hello friends! It’s been over two years since I’ve been here. I apologize for my absence. A lot has happened in my life, but that’s no excuse for not posting any content or staying in communication with you. There were many times when I wanted to write something but scrapped it because the material seemed too personal. There’s a fine line between sharing too little and turning my website into a diary. That’s probably why I struggle with social media. There’s more to me than 250 characters or a stock image. When I first started this, I told you I’d share my writing journey with you. Part of that involves sharing the wins and losses, highs and lows, and being vulnerable. So, let me tell you what I’ve been up to.

2019

I got a new job that brought me back to auto claims. I didn’t want to do it. LOL! I had spent about 12 years as a claims adjuster and dealing with people at their worst. It was a very stressful job. Once I was out I didn’t want to go back, and I also didn’t want to work in customer service. The hardest thing about starting a new career is getting recruiters in my ideal field (human resources) to notice me and give me a chance. I got tired of waiting and I had bills to pay so I went back to what I knew. But I had a plan. 

Earlier that year I flew out to Dallas to visit a friend and I loved the area she lived in. It was great hanging out, sitting at local cafés writing, then having wine and dinner. We fell back into the rhythm we had when she lived in Virginia. Dallas was a nice change of pace and the food was delicious. I contemplated moving there even though I preferred San Diego. Since I didn’t have San Diego money, I settled on relocating to Dallas. 

I started working for a well-known auto insurance company that had offices across the country, including San Diego and Dallas. The training and orientation process was supposed to last six months. Once I completed orientation, I could apply for a new job as long as my metrics were above average. Even though the Claims department was not where I wanted to work, I knew some claims adjusters who had transferred into Human Resources even though they lacked the experience. I believed I had a better chance of getting into HR as an internal hire than an external one. And even if I didn’t get the HR job, I knew I was overqualified for the position I was hired for and could get to a supervisor level in a couple of years. 

I set out going through the training and writing the first draft of my manuscript. I participated (and won) NaNoWriMo that year, finishing my first draft. I met some great people through work and hung out with a few of them. I worked with the mindset that my time there was temporary. Regardless of the outcome of my plan, I had no intentions of spending the rest of my life there. I didn’t share my relocation plans with anyone because there was no point. I hadn’t completed the training and I had no idea what team I’d be on or who my supervisor would be. So I never mentioned my true desires to anyone at my job for as long as I worked there. 

Early 2020

At the beginning of the new year, I was getting antsy. I was anxious to get out of the training class and on the floor with my new supervisor. The training was supposed to last 10-12 weeks before we transitioned onto the floor. The transition timeframe depended on how soon we showed proficiency; we could go at our own pace. Well, the transition process didn’t go as promised. I was beyond ready to join my new team but the department managers made a handful of us stay with everyone else. It was exhausting. A class of 16 people was stuck in a window-less room for over three months. Needless to say, many of us were tired of each other.  

My trainer didn’t like that I had more experience than him. I didn’t boast about it or chime in with my two cents. Doing that would’ve interfered in everyone else’s development and even though I was familiar with the industry I still needed to know how my employer did things. However, I wasn’t going to dumb myself down. Anyway, my trainer didn’t like being wrong and took issue with anyone who called him out on it. I steered clear of him and only talked to him if I had to. On more than one occasion he told me to shut up when I pointed out a mistake he made. It didn’t matter that the incidents occurred between us and no one was there to make fun of him. One time he told me to shut up in front of a supervisor and a claims coach. When they looked at him like he was crazy, he checked his attitude. I don’t care for workplace bullying and harassment and I normally speak up for myself even though I may face repercussions, but this time around I dealt with it because I only had to deal with him during the training period. My mind was on completing the transition period. 

In mid-January, I was placed on a great team with a very encouraging supervisor. I kept an open mind and prayed I wouldn’t get sucked into old habits of pouring more into my job than myself. I tried to adapt to my employer’s way of investigating claims and quickly learned that their way was very disorganized. I knew if I followed my new employer’s directions I would fall behind and get swallowed up in customer complaints. So I worked overtime. Yeah, I know I said I wasn’t going to do that, but it was either sink or swim. 

I didn’t get back to my manuscript in January or February. Trying to shut off my work brain and turn on my creative brain was harder than I thought it would be. I reached out to my friend in Dallas to chat about it. I wasn’t looking for advice. I just wanted her to listen. I knew she’d get it because she’d gone through it herself. At least, I hoped she’d get it. Well, if she knew what it felt like, she didn’t act like it. She snapped at me as if I’d asked her to fix the problem. Sadly, I wasn’t surprised by her reaction. When my friend did what she’d always done (and what I’d always tolerated), I had reached a point where I no longer wanted to share anything with her. I had to accept that our relationship was very one-sided and harder than it should’ve been. I realized I didn’t have anything to talk to her about because every time I shared something she’d either misunderstand me or project her feelings onto me. Either way, I’d get an unnecessary response. Responses and reactions I never gave her. I needed to hang out with people who liked me and respected me. 

March rolled around and I felt great. I celebrated my birthday and counted down the days for the orientation period to end. I was no longer hyped about moving to Dallas. It would’ve been more cost-effective to live in Dallas and travel to San Diego than to move to San Diego, but I didn’t want to settle or move for anyone else except me. After putting a pin in relocating, I focused on revising my manuscript. I made brunch plans with work friends and joined a meetup group in my area. I was eating healthier and going to the gym regularly. I’d lost 10 pounds and was on track to lose another 10 pounds in three months. Then everything came to a screeching halt. 

March 2020 to 2021

Where do I begin? COVID, racial injustice, and Christian nationalism took over our lives, TVs, and relationships. I’ve lost loved ones to COVID and know some who got infected but survived. I also know others who’ve lost loved ones to the virus. Racism isn’t new to me. I remember being exposed to it when I was four years old. My sister and I played with a few girls in our neighborhood. Their parents would only let us play outside because they didn’t want us in their homes. They also wouldn’t allow their children to come into our home. There hasn’t been a place where I haven’t experienced some form of discrimination, but 2020 was brutal and exhausting. I didn’t want to talk about racism with anyone, especially my coworkers. I’d made that mistake before and I had no intentions of talking to people who really didn’t want to understand or look at their own behavior. Unfortunately, my supervisor wanted to talk about what was going on. I’m sure she hoped I or the two other Black people on my team would speak up, but we remained silent. We were tired and we knew all this interest and concern was fleeting. It wouldn’t be long before all the outrage and empathy returned to apathy (or got beaten into submission). I kept my opinions and experiences to myself and did my job, or at least tried to.

My employer wasn’t built for working-from-home. They spent a lot of time and money monitoring our interactions with each other and our customers. They weren’t about to let us work at home in peace. WFH was merit-based and they kept changing the return-to-office date despite knowing that our knowledge of the virus was constantly changing, daycares and schools remained closed, and some employees were now the breadwinners. Between the stress that comes with claims handling and the pandemic, I didn’t get much writing done. I’d set goals and create a plan only for it to go down the drain in a couple of weeks. Coming up with blog ideas or Instagram posts was challenging. Almost everything I came across centered on racism, science, religion, and politics. I deactivated Instagram because I had no idea what to say during a time when everyone seemed to have an opinion. I couldn’t stay focused and the places and things I normally sought comfort in were no longer available to me. Few people understood what it was like to live with an immunocompromised person so I limited my interactions with people who had a lot of opinions but no empathy. I didn’t talk about writing with anyone. 

Remember that orientation period I talked about earlier? Well, my supervisor purposely kept her new hires on orientation beyond March even though she didn’t have a valid reason. I wasn’t going to post for a new job with everything going on, but I wanted my job title and pay to reflect the work I was doing. I also didn’t want the long orientation period to interfere with my ability to post for a new role in the future. I felt unappreciated and I didn’t think I was accomplishing anything. So I decided to look outside of my job for ways to use my leadership skills. I started coaching women’s small group leaders at my church and I re-applied for graduate school. Employee morale continued to plummet and work had become unbearable by the end of 2020. People were resigning or getting fired which meant their work was re-assigned to us. I tried holding on long enough to find another job. Instead, I held on long enough to get my bonus in February 2021. 

Juggling work, grad school, and coaching left no room for revisions. What I started out doing daily had turned into something that barely resembled a routine. I had beat myself up for not sticking to it. I told myself that I didn’t really want to be a writer. If I did, then I’d be writing.  When I first started writing, a friend of mine would make comments along those lines. When I was kicking myself for not writing, it was her voice that I heard.

That year I was forced to reflect on what I truly wanted and the areas in my life that needed some work. I focused heavily on the relationships I had. Some friendships had run their course and ended. Some friendships needed a jumpstart, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go there. I wasn’t the same person that I was one, five, or 10 years before, and I knew they weren’t either. There are a couple of friends I don’t speak to regularly that I can fall back in rhythm with if one of us were to call today. On the other hand, there are some relationships I don’t want to reboot, and 2020 let me know I had some pruning to do.  

After I deactivated Instagram in the summer of 2020, I contemplated doing the same with Facebook. I didn’t have a personal account on social media. All of my accounts pertained to my writing. I didn’t think it was wise to keep all my social media accounts open if I wasn’t posting any content. Mentally, I was struggling. I was having panic attacks during and after work. I worked a lot of overtime during the week and weekends. As soon as I logged off of my work computer I’d go into my bedroom and log onto my personal computer to do classwork. Every week I wrote either a short paper or a lengthy research paper. My reading material consisted of research articles in scientific journals. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed learning about modern psychological theories and research methods, but there wasn’t enough time for fiction writing or pleasure reading. 

I finally decided to deactivate Facebook in April 2021. I’d like to say it was solely because I wasn’t posting any content, but it wasn’t. If 2020 was a year of reflection, then 2021 was a year of removal. I deactivated my Facebook account so I was no longer available to people who had a habit of ambushing me with insensitive and bigoted comments. I was tired of my notifications going off and getting excited to catch up with a friend, only for them to go on an ignorant rant. These rants were reserved for me because I didn’t live near them or work with them. They didn’t have to risk an uncomfortable work environment or lose a friend they actually wanted. They felt comfortable around me. Too comfortable. So comfortable that they never considered how I’d take what was said, and didn’t care how it affected our friendship. They didn’t realize how their behavior revealed the condition of their heart.

I couldn’t ignore that I had tolerated selfish, toxic behavior from some people. I ignored my instincts years ago, but when a pandemic, racial injustice, and Christian nationalism exposed the heart of those I thought I knew, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. When all you want is a social connection with a friend, you don’t expect to be blindsided with hateful or judgemental comments. Those situations were awkward, disappointing, and hurtful because they knew my experiences. The time had come for me to acknowledge what God had shown me several years ago and kept showing me the longer I allowed the wrong people to remain in my life. 

I had settled. I settled for a job I was good at but I was miserable doing it. I settled for toxic friends because I feared rejection and sought validation from them. I disregarded my boundaries to make others comfortable. I tried to make the most out of some situations. I tried treating people the way I wanted to be treated. I spoke up for myself and pointed out areas of improvement when no one else would. But none of that mattered because as long as I caught whatever toxic behavior was lobbed my way, I was telling them I was available to play their game. So I removed myself from relationships and environments that were toxic and unproductive. No more explanations. No more opportunities for change. I chose my peace. I chose myself. I might not matter to anyone else, but I matter to God. 

Present

After I resigned, I focused the bulk of my energy on grad school and I continued coaching small group leaders. Now I’m taking 10 weeks off from school so I don’t burn out. My schedule is still pretty busy, but I’ve set a goal of blogging once per month updating you on the progress of my manuscript. I’ll also introduce you to a few characters. Once my manuscript is as good as I can get it, I’ll need beta readers who love mystery/suspense/thriller novels. Let me know if you’re interested in being a beta reader. 

These past couple of years weren’t what I expected, but that’s okay. I learned what I needed to and I’m glad I chose myself for once. My mental health has improved and my life is free for healthier relationships. I still face some difficulties as a result of COVID, but I know I’m not alone in this. I hope you’ve had time to grow personally and professionally, but more importantly, I hope you removed yourself from spaces you didn’t belong in. Life’s too precious to spend it settling and selling yourself short. 

Until next time.